A Tale As Old As Time…

…Or at least I assume it is. You meet someone. They are funny, nice, but also enough of an a-hole that you don’t feel like a jerk around them. You banter, laugh until you cry, make somewhat inappropriate comments about today’s questionable fashion, and when the time comes, comfort each other. They’re the Beavus to your Butthead, the Rosecrans to your Guildenstern. A fun time with them need not consist of anything more than a late night run to Target, where you accidentally leave a trail of popcorn and get brain-freeze from a Coca-Cola icee. Your friendship is low-maintenance and constant. So you went two months without texting? No big. Your reunion will just be that much more epic and hilarious. You’ll tackle each other and talk a million words per minute, attempting to retell every novel moment you’ve lived since you last saw them. You talk about going bar hopping and having a crazy, memorable night; instead, you lounge on the couch watching Friends reruns or trashy television. These moments are so awesome in their simplicity. There’s no expectation of having to make something happen. You just hang out, talk, laugh, and probably eat more than you normally do.

As time goes on, whether it be through High School, College or just adulthood, the frequency in which you see this person will fluctuate. When your lives serendipitously sync up and you have a whole day off to go to the beach, you rejoice. Other times you sacrifice your minutes to have a two-hour run on phone conversation that is about everything and nothing. Regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve seen this person, you don’t question your friendship. Because this is a unique friendship, one which you don’t have to validate with “Bestie” posts and copious amounts of “Usies”. Ick. Those terms really make me cringe.

So you’re going on as usual. Thinking of them occasionally, throwing them a text now and then to see how they’re doing or to share a cute puppy video. When, gradually, you begin to notice that your tried and true friendship seems to have gone AWOL. The ridiculous text-messages and Facebook posts have been one-sided for some time and when you attempt to connect with them through a more concrete medium they are unavailable, with no apparent desire to reschedule. You think back through the months since the last time you’ve seen them, trying to locate a catalyst to this change. Did I say something hurtful? Did I forget a birthday?

Most likely the answer is less involved with conflict than you think. Your friend has apparated. For those of you who somehow managed to remain ignorant of this Harry Potter terminology, it is the ability to suddenly disappear from one location and appear in another. There was no falling out, hurtful words exchanged, or even aggravation over annoying Facebook posts. Your friend simply left the friendship. I’ve witnessed this happen so many times, not just to myself, but with countless other friends. We all wonder where that friendship disappeared to, without a trace. For whatever reason, be it from being overwhelmed from too many relationships or just re-prioritizing due to new life circumstances, that person is no longer invested in your friendship, and very likely thinks of you as an acquaintance, or “That girl/guy I was really good friends with once.”

When you’re the one who turns around and realizes your friend apparated, it can be a very unpleasant revelation. You were fully willing to maintain the friendship through the years and have no desire to shift your view of them. How am I supposed to see them as someone from my past when they’re still here? Why should I have to? Do I get no say in this?

 The answer is, no, not really. Relationships, healthy ones that is, need to be mutual and reciprocated. You may be able to go on a few more outings with this person, but unless they become invested in the friendship again, your interactions will feel forced and you’ll end the outing feeling dejected. It’s a difficult revelation to have, but sometimes friends want to leave a relationship for no distinct reason, and if they want to you should as well. It’ll be better for your self-esteem and you won’t develop resentment toward them for not being as invested as you. There is nothing wrong with someone falling out of friendship with you, but it does hurt when you are not in the same state of mind.

Over time you will get to the point when you look back fondly on your friendship with them and are grateful for it. Who knows? Maybe you’ll reconnect someday and will have that much more to talk about because of your hiatus.

In the meantime, focus on the friends you do have. The ones who will have Netflix marathons with you without judging and will make you laugh just by making eye-contact and knowing you’re having the same immature thought.

Until Next Time,

~Candace

 

(To my friends, I love you)