From the time I was a High School freshman to now, my weight has fluctuated by 30 lbs and I have had to alternate between my “skinny” jeans and the ones I desperately avoid looking at the label. My greatest frustration through all of this has been looking back at how healthy and fit I was at different times and then looking at myself, wondering how I let it all go. Weight loss has never been easy for me, particularly because of the unfortunate pairing of a seemingly MIA metabolism and my extreme love of all food (spicy/seafood need not apply).

At a young age, I charmed my parents by growling “I’m a carnivore” while devouring baby back ribs and the like, while I would go to great lengths to avoid green food. As an adult I have a fairly balanced diet, but it is still a constant struggle to achieve a certain physical fitness and capability that has always eluded me.

A few weeks back, I began a 10 week “Training For Life” program to help push past my personal preconceived physical limitations. I have been making slow but steady progress and can already feel a drastic difference in my energy levels and my growing strength. The area that I haven’t yet noticed a distinct difference in is my size/weight, which normally would have discouraged me, but through subconscious changes in my mindset I am unaffected.

This big change has been how I feel about myself while seeking self-improvement, particularly in regard to my body. In the past, I sought self-improvement from a place of hate. I harbored deep hatred for my body, my skin, even parts of my personality that were misunderstood by others. Even at my most fit, which was little over a year ago, I still held myself to impossible standards of beauty, which left my self-esteem hardly improved in spite of my not being over-weight for the first time since going through puberty. Every small imperfection was placed under a magnifying glass, instantly noticed the moment I caught my reflection.

It is precisely that toxic self-loathing that made any of my progress destined to be temporary. It is near impossible to feel disgust toward your physical body, without that sense of hatred also latching itself onto your entire being. You become a constant cell-mate with your worst bully, who knows every insecurity, every doubt, and can cut you to the quick with nary a word spoken. Living with these feelings and thoughts endlessly circulating through your mind make it impossible to successfully adopt a healthy lifestyle, because, deep down, you believe you are unworthy of such happiness, vitality and contentment. What you initially felt toward your body, which you always felt betrayed you, has now redirected itself to you as a person. “Why are you like this? Why do you look like that? Those other women make it look so easy, you must be weak. You are weak. You are undeserving.”

When I gained all my weight back over the past year, and then some, I was at first frustrated and discouraged, as I felt it was indicative of an endless cycle, in which I would never achieve a sustainable, healthy, happy lifestyle. I recognized the toxic feelings trying to rear their heads again, demanding to be heard, and, for once, I did not frantically try to shed the weight or stifle those feelings with food. Instead, I just existed in that state. I switched back to my larger pant size, kept eating a mostly balanced diet, and got occasional exercise through activities I enjoy, like walking my dog and going on hikes.

I was determined to get to a place in which I felt confident and beautiful in my skin, regardless of my size, because my body very well may fluctuate for the rest of my life, particularly since I am a woman who plans on having children. When the time comes that my body does change for whatever reason, I don’t want my love for myself to change too. Just as I love my family unconditionally, I want to love myself, all of myself, without disclaimers. Instead of feeling as though my self-love is in spite of myself, I wanted it to be BECAUSE of myself. And I truly believe I have achieved that. Although I still struggle with insecurities that stem from life experiences, or, in some cases, lack thereof, I have come to a place in which I don’t feel the need to hide myself under baggy clothes to hide my body “until it looks better”. I have attained something much more vital to thriving than being fit and I just realized it this past weekend.

While on a trip to Vegas with my mom and sister, both of whom are less than 22% body fat and have never been overweight a day in their lives, my mind tried to revert back to its old ways, by comparing myself to them. However, after only a brief moment, I found that I felt sexy, albeit conspicuous, in my slinky dress that I had initially bought while 20 pounds lighter. Instead of trying to blend in, so as to distract from my body, I wore dramatic make-up and stilettos. If I caught someone looking at me, I didn’t assume they were judging my body, instead I held my head up and enjoyed how I felt, curves and all.

I like this place of self-love I have found, for it has enabled me to seek self-improvement not because I find myself lacking, but because I find myself to be deserving. I deserve to live a long, healthy life. I deserve to be able to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, like swing dancing, and wake-boarding. I deserve my own love, unconditionally, no matter where I am in life.

In the words of Helen Keller: “Be happy with what you have while working for what you want.”

Until next time,
Candace