fear

They Know Me Well, They Know Me Not, I Knew Myself, But Then Forgot

/ Candace Smith / 1 Comment

It is a fairly common occurrence; you find yourself in an environment in which you are surrounded by strangers, none of whom seem to have the slightest inclination to become acquainted with you. Most of the time, I couldn’t care less in these situations, as it is unlikely I will see any of those people again. Other times it can feel alienating, such as sitting in the staff lounge when no one engages you in a group conversation. Even then, I can brush it off fairly easily as they are not the sort of people I would enjoy knowing better in the first place.

However, something that seems to be a recurring struggle in my life is that I find myself feeling alienated from my own friends, through no fault of their own. Looking back, I can pinpoint when this first became an issue and why. I had been targeted by several classmates from 4th grade through 8th grade as an outlet for their aggression both verbally and physically. From name calling, such as: witch (because of my mole), pizza face (obvious), godzilla (never quite understood that one, maybe because I was tall at the time?) and others, to girls drawing on my face while I slept at a sleep-over and bragging about it at school the next week, I felt despised and found myself becoming reserved and quiet whenever I was away from home.

This behavior carried on into High School and even as an adult, without my being completely aware of it. At times, I would be painfully conscious of how shy I was behaving, and would be frustrated as that is not at all part of my natural personality. When my family would hear me referred to as shy and quiet, they were baffled and would even laugh, as I was notorious at home for being a very silly chatter-box.

For the most part, I have been able to rid myself of this shyness born from self-preservation, but I have realized a more subtle by-product of my being bullied. Very few of my friends have witnessed the full range of my personality traits. It is a strange cycle, in which I seem to shackle myself to the original circumstances of each friendship. I have subconsciously splintered aspects of my personality and reserved them for certain groups of friends. While some friends are likely to refer to me as feisty, snarky and outspoken, others are just as likely to define me as sensitive, anxious and serious. When I analyze my different relationships, it saddens me to realize how many people who know me have witnessed and interacted with only a few facets of my personality.

I have so many qualities and I want them all to be expressed with abandon whenever they arise, instead of being internalized. As I contemplated why it is so difficult for me to give these traits free reign, I came to the inevitable revelation that, once again, the cause is a lack of all-encompassing self-love. A quote that really resonates on this idea says, “I need to learn to love the parts of me that aren’t applauded.” While I have self-love for myself in a general sense, I do not always feel affection for my particular qualities unless I receive some form of validation from others, confirming these qualities to be desirable. The day that I love every aspect of myself, even if others do not, is the day I will finally be living truthfully.

my traits

Until next time,

Candace

My Prickly Security Blanket of Living in Fear

/ Candace Smith / Leave a comment

How can fear be comforting? Succumbing to our fears allows us to remain safely in our comfort zone. You know, that splendidly boring place where you won’t experience rejection, failure or heartbreak? Or much of anything else for that matter.

Shedding my security blanket and no longer allowing my life to be dictated by fear has been my primary struggle since adolescence. When I watch home videos of my early years, I see someone who is almost a stranger to me. I see a young girl who is free of self-awareness and does not hesitate to act on her impulses. Now, some level of self-awareness is necessary as an adult, for I doubt that it would be quite as amusing for a grown woman to lick the lens of someone’s expensive video camera as it was when I did it as an 8-year-old. I am grateful for having a self-awareness that enables me to be in-tuned to how my actions and words affect those around me. This quality has formed me into a highly empathetic person who is frequently relied on as a confidante.

However, when I am faced with a situation I am inexperienced with, my self-awareness morphs into self-consciousness. I become hyper aware of every little thing I say and do, convinced that whoever I am interacting with is just as focused on what I perceive to be flaws. It is a frustrating cycle in which I avoid these situations out of fear, even though I know living through them is what would help cripple my fear and allow me to leave it behind.

From making the first move with a guy whose affection I am unsure of, to boldly pursuing connections in the industry, I have faltered time and time again. I start off with an internal mantra, “What’s the worst that could happen?” But, even though I logically know that it would hardly be the end of the world if any of these situations were to go poorly, my body gets seized by an invisible straight jacket, deceiving me into believing the stakes are much higher. Except, the stakes are high, if I continue to avoid experiences out of fear.

What I’ve come to realize is that the trick isn’t being fearless, but learning to be okay with feeling nervous and uncomfortable. Those feelings are just as much a part of life as any other emotion, and the more often I push through these feelings, the less scary they will be. It may take some trial and error, but I will strive to live courageously and fully.

Until next time,

Candace