growth

They Know Me Well, They Know Me Not, I Knew Myself, But Then Forgot

/ Candace Smith / 1 Comment

It is a fairly common occurrence; you find yourself in an environment in which you are surrounded by strangers, none of whom seem to have the slightest inclination to become acquainted with you. Most of the time, I couldn’t care less in these situations, as it is unlikely I will see any of those people again. Other times it can feel alienating, such as sitting in the staff lounge when no one engages you in a group conversation. Even then, I can brush it off fairly easily as they are not the sort of people I would enjoy knowing better in the first place.

However, something that seems to be a recurring struggle in my life is that I find myself feeling alienated from my own friends, through no fault of their own. Looking back, I can pinpoint when this first became an issue and why. I had been targeted by several classmates from 4th grade through 8th grade as an outlet for their aggression both verbally and physically. From name calling, such as: witch (because of my mole), pizza face (obvious), godzilla (never quite understood that one, maybe because I was tall at the time?) and others, to girls drawing on my face while I slept at a sleep-over and bragging about it at school the next week, I felt despised and found myself becoming reserved and quiet whenever I was away from home.

This behavior carried on into High School and even as an adult, without my being completely aware of it. At times, I would be painfully conscious of how shy I was behaving, and would be frustrated as that is not at all part of my natural personality. When my family would hear me referred to as shy and quiet, they were baffled and would even laugh, as I was notorious at home for being a very silly chatter-box.

For the most part, I have been able to rid myself of this shyness born from self-preservation, but I have realized a more subtle by-product of my being bullied. Very few of my friends have witnessed the full range of my personality traits. It is a strange cycle, in which I seem to shackle myself to the original circumstances of each friendship. I have subconsciously splintered aspects of my personality and reserved them for certain groups of friends. While some friends are likely to refer to me as feisty, snarky and outspoken, others are just as likely to define me as sensitive, anxious and serious. When I analyze my different relationships, it saddens me to realize how many people who know me have witnessed and interacted with only a few facets of my personality.

I have so many qualities and I want them all to be expressed with abandon whenever they arise, instead of being internalized. As I contemplated why it is so difficult for me to give these traits free reign, I came to the inevitable revelation that, once again, the cause is a lack of all-encompassing self-love. A quote that really resonates on this idea says, “I need to learn to love the parts of me that aren’t applauded.” While I have self-love for myself in a general sense, I do not always feel affection for my particular qualities unless I receive some form of validation from others, confirming these qualities to be desirable. The day that I love every aspect of myself, even if others do not, is the day I will finally be living truthfully.

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Until next time,

Candace

My Prickly Security Blanket of Living in Fear

/ Candace Smith / Leave a comment

How can fear be comforting? Succumbing to our fears allows us to remain safely in our comfort zone. You know, that splendidly boring place where you won’t experience rejection, failure or heartbreak? Or much of anything else for that matter.

Shedding my security blanket and no longer allowing my life to be dictated by fear has been my primary struggle since adolescence. When I watch home videos of my early years, I see someone who is almost a stranger to me. I see a young girl who is free of self-awareness and does not hesitate to act on her impulses. Now, some level of self-awareness is necessary as an adult, for I doubt that it would be quite as amusing for a grown woman to lick the lens of someone’s expensive video camera as it was when I did it as an 8-year-old. I am grateful for having a self-awareness that enables me to be in-tuned to how my actions and words affect those around me. This quality has formed me into a highly empathetic person who is frequently relied on as a confidante.

However, when I am faced with a situation I am inexperienced with, my self-awareness morphs into self-consciousness. I become hyper aware of every little thing I say and do, convinced that whoever I am interacting with is just as focused on what I perceive to be flaws. It is a frustrating cycle in which I avoid these situations out of fear, even though I know living through them is what would help cripple my fear and allow me to leave it behind.

From making the first move with a guy whose affection I am unsure of, to boldly pursuing connections in the industry, I have faltered time and time again. I start off with an internal mantra, “What’s the worst that could happen?” But, even though I logically know that it would hardly be the end of the world if any of these situations were to go poorly, my body gets seized by an invisible straight jacket, deceiving me into believing the stakes are much higher. Except, the stakes are high, if I continue to avoid experiences out of fear.

What I’ve come to realize is that the trick isn’t being fearless, but learning to be okay with feeling nervous and uncomfortable. Those feelings are just as much a part of life as any other emotion, and the more often I push through these feelings, the less scary they will be. It may take some trial and error, but I will strive to live courageously and fully.

Until next time,

Candace

Can Sweat, Tears and Pain Pave the Way to Healing and Happiness? My First Time at SoulCycle.

/ Candace Smith / Leave a comment

Some of you may have no idea what SoulCycle is, most likely because it is a fairly new company and currently only resides in affluent communities, justifying its hefty price tag of approx. $30 a class. While that is certainly out of my desired price range for a fitness experience, I was able to justify the purchase when it was specifically for a fundraiser organized by Jacqui Saldana of BabyBoyBakery.com. If you haven’t heard her story, I highly recommend going to her site. She is an amazingly raw, inspirational and openhearted woman who is living through her darkest hours with her husband as they grieve the loss of their 3-year-old son, Ryan Cruz.

As I entered the cheerfully bright lobby of SoulCycle, I immediately noticed the crowd of athletically attired people, each equipped with fitted cycling pants, sweat bands and cycling shoes. I didn’t quite stick out like a sore thumb, as there was a handful of others who were clearly there for the first time, with shared characteristics of yoga pants and loose fitting gym tops. Fortunately, SoulCycle offers shoe rentals and the attendants at the front desk were excited to prepare us for our first ride. To be clear, I have attended numerous spin classes, both in college and at 24 Hour Fitness, but what I was about to experience is in a completely different realm in both intensity and significance.

Once in the cycling room, it’s uniqueness from any other fitness class is instantly apparent. The lights are dimmed, almost completely off, and flickering LED candles are interspersed throughout the compact room filled with dozens of cycles. I was about to embark on 45 minutes that would test my endurance, both physical and mental, and would bring out a part of myself that I am not yet well acquainted with. Led by an energetic and sincere instructor, who demanded of us that we give it our all, the class was asked to support each other, to motivate our cycling neighbors by pushing through and sending them compassion and acceptance. We were asked to acknowledge that each and every person in that room is going through something, whether good or bad, and that for those 45 minutes we would let everything else fall away and be present in that room with those people.

At the peak of our pain, our instructor refused to let up, declaring that this pain is temporary, similar to whatever pain and trials we experience during our lives, it is temporary, so long as we keep moving. Perhaps the most unexpected, was the segment in which we all cycled standing up, with our eyes closed and our heads bowed, reflecting on whatever struggle is at the forefront of our life right now. Those couple of minutes, sweat poring down my face, arms, back and legs, dripping in between my finger-tips, were laden with self-realization.

I was in an environment in which I felt safe to acknowledge my fears that are frequently on my mind: being helpless to protect my loved-ones, letting my dreams and goals slip through my grasp, and a fairly recently acquired fear of losing touch with my essential self, the part of me that has been a constant throughout my life, that has influenced who I am and who I want to be, as well as how I connect with those around me. In those moments I struggled to breathe through the tears choking me, fighting to get out. Tears that were born from pain over the trials of every person in that room but were transformative in their release. Somehow, after such an emotionally and physically exhausting set, I was flooded with an electric energy that shot out from my spirit and stayed with me long after the class was over.

SoulCycle, while financially draining, is without-a-doubt worth it. Even if you only go a couple times a year, when you most need it for a physical and spiritual renewal, you will walk away feeling empowered and centered. This experience has left me feeling ready to take on whatever may be coming my way, with the knowledge that it is okay to have moments of despair. For once we trudge through the doubt, grief, etc., we become that much closer to actualizing our full potential and strength.

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Until next time,

Candace