Whether it be from increasingly filtered personas on social media, or from obsolete expectations from out-of-touch relatives, young adults and dreamers of all ages are seeing skewed versions of reality, compliments of their very own, custom “U-Should Goggles”. Haven’t heard of them yet?
You may think you haven’t, because they are so lightweight and inconspicuous, that your well-intentioned loved ones can place them over your eyes without you even noticing! Do any of these statements sound familiar? “You should be married by now.” “You should be a ____, they get 401K AND benefits!” “You should buy a house! They are so cheap! You NEED a house! And a yard! And a new car! And babies! Lots of babies!”
Okay, that last one might be a slight exaggeration, but the constant inquiries about what you are doing with your life (or, more accurately, what you AREN’T doing with your life) invariably lead to a vortex of perceived failures, whirling around in your mind. The most dangerous thing of it all, is that once the vortex sets up shop, you no longer hear those thoughts as coming from someone else. They are your new internal monologue, on a never-ending loop. Is it any wonder that the never ceasing vortex eventually has you so out-of-sorts, that your own eyes begin to tell you lies? It’s not their fault, they are just as unaware of the U-Should goggles as you are. Nonetheless, they give you a distorted, and yet very convincing, view of the world.
When you look in the mirror, or even at your own profiles on the internet, you see yourself as though through a fun-house mirror. It kind of looks like you, and yet the image is somewhat disturbing. You feel no pride or sense of accomplishment when you see that person. You don’t even feel a sense of ownership of your own reflection, because who would want to be you? Every time you see your friends’ posts showing how much they are “killing it” or “living the dream” or having a “blessed life”, you think, “Wow, I am the biggest failure of all failures. I am over here, just barely managing to keep my head above water, and they are living “actual adult lives”.
And that is the crux of our problem. What qualities deem a lifestyle an “actual adult life”? Is it being married with kids? Owning things (a house, new car)? Having good medical insurance? The value of these things are all subjective. (i’m not saying that the value of your family is, so much as the value of starting one in a certain time-frame, or at all.) Yes, good benefits can certainly provide you with comfort and take away a lot of stress. But, at the same time, if the job providing said benefits is not something you are passionate about, or possibly even hate, wouldn’t the stress of being unfulfilled or being stuck with a daily routine you detest, cause more stress and depression than having benefits would remedy?
And as for getting married and having children, why is it assumed that this is the “End All, Be All” for EVERYONE? Sure, I want to eventually find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I love the idea of finding someone I am so in-sync with, that we can comfortably speak an oath we have no intention of ever forsaking. However, I don’t have an internal clock, prodding me towards a “marriage deadline”. I don’t even feel the need to date, or be in relationships for the sake of “getting to know myself/what I want.” I know myself pretty darned well. I’ve had to spend 25 years (okay maybe 21…don’t think I did much thinking back then) with my hopes, fears, triumphs, and failures. I, more than anyone else, know what I’ve gone through to get to this point in my life. A point in which I FINALLY feel strong in my convictions about how I feel about the world, who I am, and what I want to do. I didn’t need someone else to help me figure that out.
Now, while I am glad to finally be in a good place, both mentally and spiritually, I am convinced I would have arrived at this destination much sooner, and with less damage to mend, if I hadn’t been subjected to the overbearing “You Shoulds”, there-by distorting my own perceptions. Young adults, dreamers in particular, already have a difficult time as it is, trying to figure out what they are about, and how to stay true to that. But instead of being able to focus all of our energy on those two, daunting tasks, we also have to worry about pleasing people who are living completely different lives, and who, more than likely, are completely tone-deaf in regard to pursuing a passion or dream, instead of stability and archaic ideas of success.
Over the past year or so, the past 6 months in particular, I have been living inconsistently with my true desires and needs. I have very clear aspirations and am very passionate about them, but I have not been pursuing them for quite some time. Things that normally would be celebrated, such as having two good jobs, both of which I am very good at, have become threatening to me. Threatening, because so many people are clinging to them as “My new path”; lifestyles that are socially acceptable for their potential stability. I pulled back from pursuing my true purpose in life, because I was overwhelmed by the belief that I would be a disappointment, both to my loved-ones and myself, for not “reading the signs” correctly, and re-routing my life.
It took some recent self-discoveries, along with the help of a certain Pixar film, to help me move beyond the sludge of other people’s expectations and get back on the path of living MY life. My realization was not necessarily that I am “talented” and deserve success, but instead that I have a unique perspective of the world, and am capable of altering the perspectives of others in a positive way so long as I stay true to myself and commit to my dream of telling stories I believe need to be told.
Around the same time that I was fighting the up-hill battle of developing conviction to accompany my self-discovery, I got an unexpected boost of clarity after watching the Pixar film, Inside Out. It provided an incredibly insightful depiction of what makes up a human being’s personality, from their emotions to their memories. Watching the film made me reflect on my own behavior and thoughts, and what had been driving that behavior. Unsurprisingly, unlike the little girl in the movie, my driving emotion has been fear. I fear failure. I fear giving up. I fear letting people down. I fear that I am fooling myself. I fear never getting to the point that I feel I am truly living my life.
I have agonized over how to keep these fears from morphing into self-fulfilling prophecies, thereby confirming the distorted views in my mental fun-house mirrors. The only answer I have come to that resonates, is that I have to stop caring about what other people think. Not in the sense that the opinions and feelings of my loved ones don’t matter, but instead that, in relation to how I live MY life, MY opinions and feelings should have the loudest voice. I know what I can and cannot live with, I know what is important to me, and what will make me a fulfilled human being. I NEED to pursue my dreams, I NEED to persevere through any trials that others see as confirmation that I need to choose a new path. I know myself. I know what I want from life, and I am willing to dedicate years of not living a socially valid “adult life” to get there.
By allowing the pressures from outside sources to have more of an impact on my life than my own needs and desires, I have created a stalemate of lifestyles in which I am neither pursuing my dreams, nor pursuing the lifestyle others expect of me.
No more. I will no longer allow the expectations and lifestyles of others to hinder my path to what I need and want from life. And neither should you. Whether your desires in life are to have job security and create a family, change the world by telling stories, or anything in between. Pursue it. Wholeheartedly. Because only you know what you can and cannot live with. Everything else is just clutter, preventing you from getting there.
Until Next Time,
Candace
nowneverends 