It is a problem that is familiar to most anyone who takes the time to question the meaning of life. Our minds are inundated with futile questions such as: Why are we here? What happens after we leave this place?  Why is there so much pain and suffering in the world? What is the point?

When I first began pursuing these questions, I was much too young to cope with my inability to answer them and would frequently succumb to full on panic attacks. The concept of eternity terrified me almost as much as the concept of mortality. I would lay awake at night, sometimes for hours, desperately trying to trigger an epiphany, something that would make me feel much more comfortable living this vulnerable existence.

My anxiety over the evasive answers was further increased by an immense guilt I felt over having these questions in the first place. I wondered whether not having blind faith, by questioning the nature of our existence, would condemn me to eternal damnation. I prayed and prayed that I would suddenly be filled with an all encompassing insight that would remove any residue of doubt.

This time of my life was fraught with anxiety, guilt and depression and was certainly not made easier by my time in high school. Those years are difficult enough, as we are first attempting to figure out who we want to be, while coping with crippling insecurities caused by the clique culture of teenagers.

After several years of spiritual vertigo, I finally had an epiphany, just not the one I initially hoped for. I wasn’t given concrete evidence pertaining to the nature of the universe, which would allow me to happily skip along through life, knowing I had all the answers. Instead, my realization was that the questions will always be there, until it no longer matters; that is the nature of Faith. Whatever it may be that you believe in: Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, or something as simple and straightforward as Love; Faith is not unflappable, it will constantly be challenged by cynicism, apathy, human-violence, natural disasters and even the faith of others.

This new awareness gave me permission to let go of my guilt and accept, rather uneasily, that while some individuals throughout history may have had some cosmic occurrence that made them enlightened to the ways of the universe, most of us have to find our way in relative ignorance. We will not find the answers in the form of, “The meaning of life is A, B, and C.” Instead, we must look within and discover our own purpose, our own spirituality, and decide what to do with it.

Since the time that I had this insight, I have become more solid in my spirituality than ever before, even though it is constantly evolving. I have held on to some core beliefs that I was raised on, such as accepting Jesus Christ as my savior, but beyond that, I have developed my own spiritual pathway based on my experiences and what I have gleaned of the meaning of life.

Life is what you make of it. An exhausted quote, I know, but no less true. Should you decide to subject yourself to the mundane existence of fulfilling what is expected of you to remain a member of your society, along with the occasional venture out from it, and no more, that is all your life will be. By the time you leave this place, you will most likely have owned a house and many other things, worked a job which brought you little fulfillment over the years, and made an array of friends who gave you an escape from your despair of the daily-grind.

There is nothing inherently wrong with living this kind of life, if you so choose, but you are withholding so much of what this existence has to offer. As a struggling actor/artist, we all go through at least one phase in our pursuit, in which we try to convince ourselves that we can be happy with the prior lifestyle. However, as we envision the future and all it entails, we see what may be, so long as we persevere in the development and expression of our craft. I say this not to suggest that artists live a fuller life, but instead to point out that their pursuit of art is a spiritual endeavor. It is not chosen because of the financial promise, (while there are individuals who use “art” solely for monetary value, I do not consider them artists) it is embraced because it is part of our souls, a spiritual appendage that, if removed, would leave us broken and incomplete.

While not all people are artists, each and every one of us is capable of being a spiritual explorer. Someone who keeps their mind and heart open to the world around them, allowing for incredible connections with all beings who serendipitously share the world with us in this exact moment, out of the baffling number of years it has existed. Through this spiritually powered mind-set, I have found immense moments of wonder and awe in seemingly unspectacular situations. I watch individuals walking down the street, shopping, or working the drive-thru, and wonder, “what are their hopes and dreams?”

I constantly seek human connection through eye contact, smiles or a shared laugh with a stranger over something we just witnessed. Searching for the good in the world and in people, will yield endless results. The evils of humanity will expose themselves on their own, so there’s no need to go looking for it. Why imprison your mind and soul into a cynical, toxic cage by believing the worst of others and abhorring differences, instead of celebrating the differences whose absence would make travel, exploration and artistic expression trivial? The landscape in a world of only like-minded individuals of the same culture would be static, with no need for discussion, revelation or expression, for nothing would ever be in question.

I am not even close to having all the answers, but I have found that pursuing other questions, what do they think/feel, why, what is their life like, etc., feed my soul, as they connect me to everyone around me and even those who are far away. I rejoice in the beauty of the world and the array of cultures that all provide me with further insight into my own spirituality, so long as I allow them.

I am not immune to doubts, existential despair, and feelings of being alienated from the world around me, but I can always find a cure by grounding myself in the knowledge that we are all in this together: Striving to survive, experience all this life has to offer, and make some sort of lasting connection with others that gives us a taste of the eternity that awaits us.

Until next time,

Candace